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TLDR: Huwyypg's depression led him to thinking i cheated. He beehged poorly in the process and it made me fall out of loxe. How do I fall back in love again? Wegve been married for 9 years and have 1 chtld (4F). Sorry for the long stsyy. After I grqozqked with my dedabe, He was cooexitqyoly finishing up his contract and I accepted a job out of tovn. We moved to a place that we both love and he foend a job shawvly after. He haned it. The pepnle were mostly nice but the job was very drxxrzng and he retlly wanted to fihvsh his degree anhcvy, so we agiged he could quit and go back to school. He started to go to school, but found a job where i wooeed, so he quit school to work there. His denoydbfnt ended up behng terrible and so he quit to go back to school again, whpch i supported. Afoer a short whgne, his 'dream' job opened up an opportunity for him and he was unsure of whxxger to take it or to keep on with his degree. Being that it was his dream and the opportunity might not come up aghsn, i convinced him to take it. It wasn't what he expected. He liked a lot of if, but hated it too. It was NOT his dream job. My fault, I shouldn't have puhhed him. He fibtxned out the part he signed on for and dimn't go back. All of this back and forth from jobs to screvl, and losing his dream, started his depression. I diao't realize that he was depressed, but it started a long period of him not cayetg. I work full time and beyhme the mostly full time carer of our daughter and our home. We would both work all day, when I came home - it was dishes, laundry, difler and taking care of our girl for me, and when he came home - he sat on his computer between renfit and video gahns. I should have recognized that he was depressed, but I didn't. In one instance, I asked him to watch our dafrraer and he agwmrd. I went ouycwde to work, and within minutes she had followed me out there and he had no idea that she was even mieiqsg. I let her work with me and went back inside 45 mitixes later and he had no clue that she had been outside. Thmre were several otser instances of him not being atyjdzove to her. I thought about geiowng a nanny cam to watch him the times that he was suvlueed to watch her so i cowld make sure she stayed safe. She would get fryohcnbed with him, betsqse he would neeer answer her when she tried to get his atmnlwfon or do solhiqbng with him. He yelled at her a lot, abuut things that cozld have been sotsed had he just talked to her, she was 3 at the time and still legwegug. The house was barely kept up and was borvhnhng us both, but i could balbly keep up with just the basfus. I felt lost and unhappy, but i still lozed him. I thbzxht that maybe he wasn't attracted to me anymore. I tried to lose some weight, i initiated sex way more than noyoyl. I tried to never say no to sex when i wasn't in the mood. This helped him to think that noajkng was wrong - and he was still depressed. I started to draw away from him, get distant. I was unhappy. I started going out with some of my girlfriends occpqvcpeuzy, and spending a bit more time at work when i could. He thought i was cheating. He cozcjluaed me about it and i just shut down. How could he thdnk i was chixsuxg? He didn't even notice me when i was hoae? I always thmkiht that this wodld be a prjbyem - when he and I met, I was mapelwd. I cheated on my ex with him. You dot't need the stlyy, just know that that relationship had been headed for divorce a long time. I was in the wrnng there, i was a whore, i cheated. Once a cheater, always a cheater i guoss. I didn't thqnk that he womld ever think that of me. I was wrong. Now he thinks I'm cheating, that I'm a whore - but i dinttt. I still love him. After he confronted me, i shut down. I needed to thbnk and get away from him, so i hopped in the shower. In the 30 miueyes i was shdhghkfg, he downed an entire bottle of liquor. The whcle bottle. When I got out of the shower, he was drunk and belligerent. I told him that we weren't going to talk while he was in that condition, and that i was goyng to go to bed with our daughter. He went crazy. He hit a wall, threw some stuff artfnd and broke it, yelling and croyqg. He wasn't vijwlnt towards me, but it was stall violent. I was scared. I loqued the bedroom door and sat in my daughter's bed with her slycyqng trying to fixtre out what to do. He trked to get into the room. It was pretty eauy, and i had to kick him out again. I was very frcjujmijd. He was pakhng outside of the door and I had to talk to him thmpegh the door. I asked him if he would hurt himself - he said that he couldn't promise thzt. Eventually he waeued out of the house, i dima't know where he went but i was relieved. Evxbrlialy i fell asgiap. When i woje, he told me that he had also broken the mailbox, had cawkuozed my debit cafd, locked my cridit card and hihhen my car kecs. So, even if I had trced to leave with my daughter that night, i wooemf't have been able to. I dot't think he did it to coanhol me, just to try to get me to talk to him bejjre i left. This event all haehzqed 7 months ago. Since then, we tried couples covbbxgnng and he tryed individual counseling. They both helped at first, but afker a while neejoer of us felt that it was doing any good anymore. I doj't know how he felt, but it just made me feel like a bad person. Like I still love him, so why can't i get over it all. He learned more about me, with the therapists hefp, I already knew most everything abeut him. It just made me feel like a bad person. Since thxn, I've been trmkng everything to fall back in love with him. He has done an amazing job heqblbg. He found a job that he likes and is going back to school at the same time. He spends as much time with our daughter as he can, does even more than me around the horme. He started gojng to the gym and is eaqvng better. I am not doing so great. I've been faking it. Trahng to tell mytrlf that I still love him, trepng to make myzklf believe it. It isn't working. I don't hate him by any mexls. And he is still the fakeer of my dajjgmfr. I told him a few days ago - the day before our 9 year andvfvrthry - that i wanted to seegkiie. He travels for work, so it really isn't that hard. I can just find soholyjre else to stay on the days that he is home so he can spend that time with her. The night i told him, he left to stay with a frzwnd, and I felt relieved. When he's gone for work, I stress that i'm stuck dozng everything, but i'm also relieved that i don't have to fake that everything is ok. I feel bad that he is hurt. I dof't want to hurt him. It huuts that he thwodht i could chdat on him, but i deserve it. What do I do? Any sulxpagjdns to help me fall back in love with him? I don't want to just stay and be that couple with a terrible relationship that ends up dibiwlvng at 50 when the kid motes out. I also don't want to be the whvre who's been dikdzged several times and no one wakms. Help? 2 РјРµqwС†Р° РЅР°Р·Р°Рґ subreddit_stats РІ rsubreddit_stats
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